One of Those Daughters

NEWSFLASH: before you were born, your parents were people. In fact, they never stopped being people. Even if you realized this a long time ago, the real shock comes in your twenties when you understand they may be people you don't like very much. Everyone's story is different, an exception to every generalization, but somewhere along the way the bad and ugly join the good in your parents'-quality catalogue.

I was out walking--my attempt at fresh air and exercise--when one of my very best friends, Lib-heart, called with the weekly rants. "I don't want to be one of those girls that just has one of those relationships with her mom," she said, aware that I knew exactly what she meant. We've all heard it said, that every girls' worst nightmare is to become her mother. Except most little girls don't feel that way. But we butt heads in teen years, naturally, and when it continues or worsens in our twenties suddenly it's a whole new issue. It's not about raging hormones or a challenge of authority--it's about two people sharing blood, genes, and not opinions.

Around the time a woman realizes her mother's flaws, she realizes how susceptible she is to inheriting them. So we run as fast we can in the opposite direction, hoping to avoid our genetic fate. Luckily, personality traits are not inherited this way. You have genes from your other parent too, and if you don't like him either, then there's one other large saving grace: free will.

We are what we do. You've heard it before. And actions speak louder than words. So think of your mother as being a light, illuminating all the qualities you want to avoid as best you can. Choose a different path because she chose one you didn't like. No harm in letting parents be good for one more thing is there?

My father calls it "time-binding": we evolve as human beings by standing on the shoulders of the previous generations. Everything they've accomplished or failed at is there for us to use and not repeat. We move forward, no matter what ground was covered in the past.

So being one of those daughters, as my friend put it, is not ideal--we all secretly wish for a Gilmore Girl relationship with our moms, true--but it can still be a good thing. Don't waste what she has to teach you, and take comfort in your ability to see her humanity past your emotional bias. As expectations drop for parents' perfection, the standard should drop as well. Perhaps this will help with the anger that comes with disappointment. As great as it was to love super-hero parents as a kid, it's even better to love real parents now just as they are. Being one of those daughters (or sons, of course) is as good as it gets.