One of Those Daughters

NEWSFLASH: before you were born, your parents were people. In fact, they never stopped being people. Even if you realized this a long time ago, the real shock comes in your twenties when you understand they may be people you don't like very much. Everyone's story is different, an exception to every generalization, but somewhere along the way the bad and ugly join the good in your parents'-quality catalogue.

I was out walking--my attempt at fresh air and exercise--when one of my very best friends, Lib-heart, called with the weekly rants. "I don't want to be one of those girls that just has one of those relationships with her mom," she said, aware that I knew exactly what she meant. We've all heard it said, that every girls' worst nightmare is to become her mother. Except most little girls don't feel that way. But we butt heads in teen years, naturally, and when it continues or worsens in our twenties suddenly it's a whole new issue. It's not about raging hormones or a challenge of authority--it's about two people sharing blood, genes, and not opinions.

Around the time a woman realizes her mother's flaws, she realizes how susceptible she is to inheriting them. So we run as fast we can in the opposite direction, hoping to avoid our genetic fate. Luckily, personality traits are not inherited this way. You have genes from your other parent too, and if you don't like him either, then there's one other large saving grace: free will.

We are what we do. You've heard it before. And actions speak louder than words. So think of your mother as being a light, illuminating all the qualities you want to avoid as best you can. Choose a different path because she chose one you didn't like. No harm in letting parents be good for one more thing is there?

My father calls it "time-binding": we evolve as human beings by standing on the shoulders of the previous generations. Everything they've accomplished or failed at is there for us to use and not repeat. We move forward, no matter what ground was covered in the past.

So being one of those daughters, as my friend put it, is not ideal--we all secretly wish for a Gilmore Girl relationship with our moms, true--but it can still be a good thing. Don't waste what she has to teach you, and take comfort in your ability to see her humanity past your emotional bias. As expectations drop for parents' perfection, the standard should drop as well. Perhaps this will help with the anger that comes with disappointment. As great as it was to love super-hero parents as a kid, it's even better to love real parents now just as they are. Being one of those daughters (or sons, of course) is as good as it gets.

Going Out: 21, or 41?

Not that all 40-year-olds are tired, but what's with feeling tired at 21???

Last night one of my girlfriends had her 21st bday celebration at Dos Gringos, still hungover from her power-hour the night before. The bartender gave us crap for paying separately (we're paying in cash too, go figure), and suddenly it hit me after my first jägerbomb--I'm freaking exhausted! I adore my friend, and even her friends are fabulous, but all I wanted to do was bolt and head for the fluffy pillow. So when we changed locations to the seedy-way-too-busy-for-a-tues-night ACME a few doors down, I didn't stay long after some random 5'10" pierced pretty-boy tried to convince us he played for the Cardinals. Not my scene so much.

After peacing-out at around 1:30, it occurred to me that I would have loved hanging with my friends in almost any other setting. I'm over experiencing wild-and-crazy drunken ridiculousness, and more interested in real things. Like people. Like the stupid stories these girls had to tell about their friend's cuddling obsession. Like talking to my friend PBK-Hottie about the struggles and importance of dating men your own age. Like dancing to whatever Brittany Spears is in the jukebox just because it's funny AND fun.

The being tired at 21 rarely has anything to do with health. Clearly, I'm not about to croak, so I could have stayed out and been just fine. And if I had been having a fan-tabulous time, I would have found the energy that was missing last night. But how many times have you or your friends done that? Been out, and complained of being tired when you know they have energy to burn? We take it personally, but all it means is that the tired shmuck made a wrong decision somewhere. At some point I thought it would be a good idea to go out, and then too late realized I had ventured into something I "should" enjoy, and don't. I don't enjoy seedy bars. There, I said it. The dark lights and half naked dancing girls my age do not appeal to me. I feel stupid calling my-ass-in-your-lap dancing, and hate paying eight dollars for a freakin' jägerbomber! The negative energy is enough to drain anyone.

So what do you do? What do you do when you want to spend time with a friend and you've already realized you two have different ideas of fun? Two things: 1, find new friends. or 2, commit to having fun, and call it a night before you resent anyone. And the best way to become AWARE of what you enjoy vs. what you just don't like dammit? Your gut instinct, or the amount of Redbull you feel would be necessary to survive the night.