In case you're wondering...

Just in the event you're curious, and following some of my personal rantings, I thought I'd update: Nor-Cal was not contacting me because he decided (with the help of his Ex over the weekend) that he was not interested in dating me anymore. Since I haven't even managed a single tear over it, I think that's probably okay. :) Point is: dating is messy, flirting is fun, and boys are stupid. Known fact. *sigh*

J.D. ' Ex' update: she gave me her number and we might meet for coffee. I haven't written her back. I'm thinking I won't. She says she wants to have J.D.'s babies and she wants to set me up with her little brother. Bitch. Point on this one: clean cuts are clean, don't drink from murky waters, and insecure girls are manipulative beyond all reason. Also a known fact. Again, *sigh*

Fine Lines

One of my favorite lines in the musical "Wicked" is during a song sung by the Wizard himself. He sings to our female protagonist (the "wicked witch of the west"): "There are precious few at ease with moral ambiguities. So we act as though they don't exist!"

Ah, how true.

Somehow, with every passing year, morally gray areas of life become more and more abundant. And we often feel more comfortable with them when we just pretend they aren't there. But fine lines between the right and the well-maybe-not-so-much do exist, and they were so much thicker once upon a time. Why is that? And how do we deal appropriately?

Well I could bore you with tasks of mindfulness to improve your karmically-conscious way of life, but my waxing-philosophical probably won't benefit anyone all that much, seeing as how I'm pretty impulsive and lost sometimes.

For example, I worked with (and, admittedly, fell "in lust" with) a guy, hereafter referred to as J.D., who was initially involved seriously with someone. We were not romantic in any way while they were together, but when they split it was a different matter. Of course--in case you haven't caught on already to my luck--the ex moved back in with J.D. and I quit the job to get away from him and that was that. Dust off my hands done. BUT... there's always a "but"... I've still been unable to entirely dispel him from my thoughts. Even when I manage not to think about him during waking hours, he plagues my dreams. Dirty rat. So it just so happens our readily available electronic modes of communication put me only a friend-request away from the ex still living with/sleeping with J.D.

I befriended her.

We're talking.

We're quite friendly.

Does she suspect? Oh, psh, I'm sure she freakin' knows.

Where is this going? Why are we talking? How do either of us benefit? And is it really morally appropriate to do the keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer thing? Is that deception what we're doing? What we're BOTH doing? How is the morality of the situation affected if it's only one of us doing that? I was a rebound, and now I'm bitter. This girl was duped too. She is unknowingly treated like crap by a guy who adamantly claims (behind her back) to hate her. And I'm in on the joke. And she's not. And yet she's sleeping with him, and I'm just wishing I was, but pretending I'm not wishing... Sick and twisted?? Ha. Oy vey. Clearly, as things have gotten more complicated in life, so have the once obvious blacks and whites.

Although I will say one thing I've learned, the greatest solution to such problems is living in reality. Be as willing as possible to step outside of yourself and objectify your subjective perspective. We are limited, true, but that doesn't mean we have to lie to ourselves. (For example: the truth is J.D. has issues, and the further I separate myself from the whole thing, the better probably. The ex is already being lied to by her "boyfriend," so what good am I? I mean, come on, I'm asking for trouble.) There are a lot of things we do that aren't the "right" thing, but we do it anyway because it's technically justifiable. Never underestimate the power of rationalization. The question is, do the costs outweigh the benefits? I've been asking myself that a lot lately, and I'm beginning to think it's quite a useful concept. Consider the costs of the "easy" but, perhaps, "not-so-good" course of action. Consider your impulses, and decide whether the satisfaction of acting them out is really worth the consequences. Sometimes it is--I understand that--but sometimes we can save ourselves (and others) a lot of trouble.

Fine lines are good to avoid all together if life lets us, but when we cant, it's beneficial to be as objective and honest as we can. Because only then do fine lines get replaced by those big fat ones we were once so aware of not too long ago...

Dating

There's something that happens to the dating scene when you get into your twenties. It's this inevitable, expected, elephant-in-the-room alteration that comes at unavoidable and totally awkward times, making everything complicated. That's right, you guessed it: SEX.

Sure, sex happens in high school. And sure, sex does not necessarily have to happen in your twenties. But the exceptions aren't the problem in the dating world--it's the rule that's a problem. Sex does in fact complicate everything, and if you're not ready for sex you want love, but being ready for sex doesn't mean you're ready for love, so... So begins the complication. Because now you are no longer managing one and only one commodity, but two: your heart, and your body. Emotional and physical availability both become an issue.

We aren't very good at knowing when to give, and when to hold back. Some people are pros--maybe you are, I don't know--but for the most part we often sit there thinking "if I call her now, will she think I like her too much?" or "if I have a heavy petting session on the first date does he think I'll put out on the second?" We simply aren't coordinated enough to juggle the things we have to give and the power we have to hold.

So what's the secret? How do we get it right and stop asking, "can I text him now, or will he think I'm needy?" (Oh yes, the new 'N' word.)

My younger (not quite twenty) stepbrother had his girlfriend come to visit this weekend. She was lovely, and he was adorable, reviving my faith in good healthy happy head-over-heals relationships. They have been dating for only a few months, but their relationship is solid, passionate, and mature. And I promise when Texas (the gf) texted my stepbrother for the millionth time in one day, he never thought for a second, "man she's needy." It didn't happen. He wanted her to text, as much as she wanted him to text back. So that's what they did.

I've been seeing this guy, Nor-Cal, for a little over a month, and things seemed to be going well up until this weekend. He left Wednesday, kissing me, saying "I'll see you on Monday then?"--the day he was supposed to fly in--and I said, "Yeah sounds good." Off he goes, for five days, with plenty of phone service and down time. Have I heard from him yet? Has he called? Texted? Facebook messaged? haha what a funny thought. There are a million reasons why I may not have heard from him in almost a week, but I wonder if any of them matter.

The possibility of sex does make it hard to extend yourself emotionally, and give getting-to-know-each-other a chance. False expectations and understandings about what's "normal" in a romantic relationship can make any action misleading, and ultimately hurtful. But, at the end of the day, you either have Needy, or there is no Needy. You're either my stepbrother and Texas, or you're me and Nor-Cal. The power juggling of heart and body is complicated, but it's also just a bunch of games. Either you play, and risk losing, or you leave the game behind for something real. For something worth more than a trophy.

As far as Nor-Cal goes though, there's still that chance we just had mis-communication. Five days of not talking may seem big to me, (especially since he volunarily clarified not too long ago that he was interested "in a relationship" with me) but five days may be normal and nothing to him. It's good to know ahead of time, before you make rash decisions, exactly what the other person's expectations are. And if you aren't seeing someone who is able to have a conversation like that, then you are not seeing the right person. Trust me.