Dating

There's something that happens to the dating scene when you get into your twenties. It's this inevitable, expected, elephant-in-the-room alteration that comes at unavoidable and totally awkward times, making everything complicated. That's right, you guessed it: SEX.

Sure, sex happens in high school. And sure, sex does not necessarily have to happen in your twenties. But the exceptions aren't the problem in the dating world--it's the rule that's a problem. Sex does in fact complicate everything, and if you're not ready for sex you want love, but being ready for sex doesn't mean you're ready for love, so... So begins the complication. Because now you are no longer managing one and only one commodity, but two: your heart, and your body. Emotional and physical availability both become an issue.

We aren't very good at knowing when to give, and when to hold back. Some people are pros--maybe you are, I don't know--but for the most part we often sit there thinking "if I call her now, will she think I like her too much?" or "if I have a heavy petting session on the first date does he think I'll put out on the second?" We simply aren't coordinated enough to juggle the things we have to give and the power we have to hold.

So what's the secret? How do we get it right and stop asking, "can I text him now, or will he think I'm needy?" (Oh yes, the new 'N' word.)

My younger (not quite twenty) stepbrother had his girlfriend come to visit this weekend. She was lovely, and he was adorable, reviving my faith in good healthy happy head-over-heals relationships. They have been dating for only a few months, but their relationship is solid, passionate, and mature. And I promise when Texas (the gf) texted my stepbrother for the millionth time in one day, he never thought for a second, "man she's needy." It didn't happen. He wanted her to text, as much as she wanted him to text back. So that's what they did.

I've been seeing this guy, Nor-Cal, for a little over a month, and things seemed to be going well up until this weekend. He left Wednesday, kissing me, saying "I'll see you on Monday then?"--the day he was supposed to fly in--and I said, "Yeah sounds good." Off he goes, for five days, with plenty of phone service and down time. Have I heard from him yet? Has he called? Texted? Facebook messaged? haha what a funny thought. There are a million reasons why I may not have heard from him in almost a week, but I wonder if any of them matter.

The possibility of sex does make it hard to extend yourself emotionally, and give getting-to-know-each-other a chance. False expectations and understandings about what's "normal" in a romantic relationship can make any action misleading, and ultimately hurtful. But, at the end of the day, you either have Needy, or there is no Needy. You're either my stepbrother and Texas, or you're me and Nor-Cal. The power juggling of heart and body is complicated, but it's also just a bunch of games. Either you play, and risk losing, or you leave the game behind for something real. For something worth more than a trophy.

As far as Nor-Cal goes though, there's still that chance we just had mis-communication. Five days of not talking may seem big to me, (especially since he volunarily clarified not too long ago that he was interested "in a relationship" with me) but five days may be normal and nothing to him. It's good to know ahead of time, before you make rash decisions, exactly what the other person's expectations are. And if you aren't seeing someone who is able to have a conversation like that, then you are not seeing the right person. Trust me.