"I'm going to need time," I said. Time to pretend you don't exist. Time to forget you. Time to fool around with other people. Time to move on. Because the time would come when McClimber would suddenly be spending an awful lot of time with another girl, and I needed to be the friend who had no problem with such a thing.
I'm not a glutton for punishment.
A month seemed like a generous amount of space for me to take, in my opinion, and it turned out Boulder jumped me up to ready-in-two-weeks. Two weeks of not seeing McClimber, talking to him, texting him, checking his facebook--nothing--and I felt I had successfully achieved "out of sight, out of mind." Ready for friendship.
So I contacted him.
We began talking and it seemed as though he was genuinely interested in being a friend. He asked what was happening in life and actually listened to the answers. It was easy to find stories to swap and laughs to share. So far, so good.
But then I saw him.
The gym is an unavoidable place for run-ins. McClimber was working out with his shirt off, as he often does, and it seemed he had lost another five pounds. The guy can't possibly get leaner. It didn't phase me at first.
He was hesitant around me. I wasn't sure why until I asked if he wanted to grab a smoothie with me after climbing.
"Yeah sure. Sounds good," he said.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah." --cue long pause--
"I've been having lots of dreams about you."ARGHHHH!!!!
Suddenly the change in his behavior made sense, and suddenly I felt it too--like someone had reached inside my chest, sped up my heart, and squeezed my lungs. Only feet away from the front of the gym--feet away from two other gym employees who had taken me out on a date, Boulder not included--and inches away from each other, shirtless McClimber confessed he was still extremely attracted to me. I still wanted to be friends and to hang out but... this was going to be a problem.
The end of the night came and I told McClimber I was ready for a smoothie. He agreed and went upstairs to get his shirt and shoes and stuff. I followed him, bored and hungry at this point, and then I saw Boulder upstairs too. He and I hadn't really spoken much since we hung out, and I assumed he was bored with me after satisfying some curiosity, but when I turned to leave with McClimber he called me back.
"Go say goodbye," McClimber said, as we both looked at Boulder waiting, his arms outstretched for me.
As Boulder and I pulled away from our hug he asked, "So when are we hanging out again?"
McClimber was too far away to hear.
"Whenever you'd like," I said. I mean it too. He wasn't bored with me yet after all...
Finally McClimber and I made it to the smoothie place and all of his facial expressions became familiar again: frustration being his favorite look. He rolled his eyes at me. Laughed to himself.
"What?!" I asked, finally.
He rolled his eyes again. "It's just... You're here giving me those looks of yours..."Suddenly I realized he is frustrated--sexually frustrated.
"Are you dating anyone?" he asked, like it's any of his business.
"No. But I've gone on a couple dates, yes." Four dates in one week with four different men, to be exact. One of those men being Boulder, and a second man being another employee at the climbing gym. (I'm not proud--no judging.)
"Oh Tessie," he shook his head.
"You?" I asked, taking the bait.
"Nope. Just lots of climbing. I haven't had time for a girl."
If I said that didn't give me a huge sense of relief, I might be totally lying.
We left and I offered to drive him home rather than make him ride his bike. We got to his house and I decided to come inside, without his asking.
We continued talking a little bit more and I lifted up the very bottom of my shirt to explain some story I was telling (don't ask what story--I certainly don't remember and I'm sure lifting my shirt was not actually a necessary part of the telling). McClimber rolled his eyes again and threw a look of exasperation my way."Tess, why are you showing me your stomach when you know I'm dying to kiss you?"
I pulled my shirt back down. He really wasn't kidding about being attracted to me.
I apologized and got to rambling about how excited I was that we were going to be friends. I told him all of the fun things we could do because we miraculously have a ton of interests in common. As I went on and on, he walked back to his room and started undressing because he was meeting up with a friend after I left. Time to get out of his gym clothes. I foolishly followed him and continued talking, and not even a minute later he stripped down to his boxer-briefs.
The hallway outside of his bedroom is narrow, and I was leaning against the wall opposite his door. He turned the light off in his room, so only the light from the kitchen barely illuminated the tight space we now occupied, and unabashedly pressed his boxers-only body against mine and the wall.
I froze.
Wow had I missed him.
He began kissing my neck. I still couldn't move. Trapped between him and the wall in this narrow hallway, and trapped between doing what I know is smart and giving in to the way it felt, I really couldn't move. But when he went to kiss my mouth, I pulled away.What do I want??? What do I really want right now?
Have you ever had moments in your life when you ask yourself those questions? McClimber didn't want to date me, care for me, love me--he wanted to screw me. It's crass to say, but honest too. I knew that. I knew that then, frankly he told me so more or less, but the problem was I couldn't decide how important all that was. A part of me--a loud part--wanted to kiss him back anyway.
The Last Hurrah is a common, almost essential part of the dating process. It's the encounter post-break-up when you're still not sure if you don't want what you had.
The allure is stronger, and the desire for familiarity is suddenly coated in the desire for the unattainable. What could be harder to resist than that?Did McClimber and I resist the temptation for a final hurrah?
A good author never tells.
Keep you posted.
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